For a man with a small penis, porn and condoms can unite in a nightmare
By Fact Finder
Illustrated by Poorva Goel
As an average privileged 28-year-old Indian guy who had access to the internet before Jio became a thing, I first came across sex by virtue of porn. After the initial shock of watching porn for the first time (you’re supposed to get naked with another person and put certain parts of your body in theirs, ugh!), I learnt the art of using ‘incognito mode’ in my browser and subsequently pleasuring myself by using a certain body part I had only been using for peeing till that time.
This newfound “high” however was short lived, as I came across a problem that I’m sure many guys face – penis size anxiety. Given that my parents never had “the talk” with me, and “certain biology chapters” in school were skipped, breezed through or declared self-study chapters (have you ever wondered how India got to be the world’s most populous country despite no one talking about sex?), this was a big problem. I was a young impressionable teenager who mostly knew about sex from porn, and the only penises I had seen were my own and that of pornstars. Spoiler alert – looking at Johnny Sins’ tool and comparing it with yours is injurious to your self esteem!
To solve this problem, I turned to the only medium where I could find information about such things – Google. I came across a study by the Indian Medical Council which talked about how Indian men had on an average smaller penises than the global average. I wasn’t exactly thrilled on reading this, especially since porn videos show male actors with penises as big as my forearm, and apparently in pop culture it is okay to body-shame people with small penises. Anyhow, I did my research and found out that porn videos were mostly a smoke-and-mirrors act and penises do come in all shapes and sizes, so I shouldn’t lose hope just yet.
By this time, I had passed out of school and college with no sexual experiences – just tales of “studs” in college and how they had a minimum of three girlfriends. By the time I started working and earning, I decided to do something about my so far uneventful life. I went to a chemist’s shop and bought a pack of condoms. (How optimistic of me, taking Step 4 before I had any clue about Step 1! Anyway, what happened next made me forget about Step 1 completely.)
My worst childhood fears were realised as I tried one of the condoms on during a porn binge session. The condoms were simply too big for me. It was almost as if I was trying to put a plastic bag on my penis and expecting it to fit. It just slid off as easily as it slid on. Anyway I did not despair (too much), did a lot of research on trusty Google and ordered a pack of small snug-fit condoms. I ordered Kohinoor Pink for those of you who’re curious. These had a width of 49 mm (+-2 mm) and were a better fit than the previous standard pack I had bought, which had a width of 52 mm (+-2 mm). However, these were still not a close fit. Though I’ve not had sex yet, I’m pretty sure that this new pack of condoms will not do the job if that opportunity ever comes up in the future. I’m not keen on having to deal with condom slippage and penis size anxiety along with first-time-sex anxiety – whenever that happens.
Still, I persisted in this valiant quest. Continuing with Google as my guide, I ventured further. I came across an article by Vice in which a reporter reached out to different pharmacies in Delhi and was unable to get a box of small-sized condoms. I can relate to that experience – I had to order the aforementioned pack of Kohinoor online (and forever ruin my Flipkart and Amazon search suggestions in the process). Surprisingly though, quite a few of these pharmacies that the Vice reporter visited had “magnum” sized condoms available. It was only later that I got to know that magnum condoms are only slightly bigger than regular size and are basically for giving guys a psychological boost. This is a problem I would have loved to have. But the problem at hand was quite different: How am I supposed to have safe sex if I don’t have condoms that fit well? Forget safe sex, how am I supposed to have sex? Even if I get a girl to sleep with me, given all the talk about being well hung, won’t she just look at my penis, laugh and take off? Trust me, you don’t want these kind of thoughts in your head.
After this thought, there was no option for me to move anywhere but ahead. So, I turned back to the only option I had. Yes, you guessed it – Google. It helped me find brands like Iron Grip condoms. These are supposed to be for small-sized guys like me but they cost a whopping Rs 2,000 for a pack and are sporadically available. Seems like they’re imported. (Wait, aren’t Indian guys supposed to be smaller than westerners on average? So why aren’t made-in-India condoms smaller than these western brands? Very fishy!) And Rs 2,000 isn’t something I’d like to spend on a pack of condoms especially when there is no way to know if they would even fit. Dimensions written on a box vs. the actual fit can vary a lot. There are supposed to be tester packs available which would have an assortment of condoms of different sizes from different manufacturers, but these only seem to be available in the US or the UK. Again, isn’t size supposed to be an Indian problem? If that’s true, then why are solutions only present in the West and non-existent here?
In all this browsing, I’ve come across a number of studies, some of which claim that Indians have average-sized penises while others claim that Indians are smaller than the world average. Then, I’ve come across different forums in which some brave well-hung Indians are valiantly fighting for all of us and claiming that the studies that claim that Indians are smaller than average are just slander campaigns. Are they speaking the truth or suffering from survivor bias? I don’t know. But I wonder, if what I have experienced is the norm and condoms are actually inadequately sized, then is that contributing to the population problem we’re going through? “Hey I just met you and this is crazy, but my ill fitting condom just slipped, have a baby with me maybe? (After getting married of course, we’re sanskaari, don’t forget!)”
Jokes aside, there’s probably a good chance that my experience is not the same as everyone else’s experience. Maybe I have to face the fact that (sigh) I have a small penis. Despite it being 2019 and all the talk about body positivity and people coming in all shapes and sizes, this is still a harsh reality for me to accept.
And even if I do accept it, there’s still the question: who’s going to solve my condom problem?